9/10/07 Can We Talk?

“… does spending lots of time communicating digitally damage our face-to-face communication skills? …

“There was a recent study by a Harvard Business School professor that basically asserted using gadgets/tech too much to communicate make us more shy. It can definitely become a crutch. It’s just easier to engage in conflict or deal with a difficult situation online than face-to-face. But easier isn’t always better or appropriate. While it seems like it should be common sense, I think part of raising kids and teens in this digital age is not only setting limits on technology use, but teaching them when it’s appropriate to text and when it’s crucial to talk.“

I wish someone could teach the rest of us that too! I don’t want to believe this Harvard professor — I’m a huge proponent of digital communication — but I find that some of what he says rings true in my experience.

I’ve observed that my son and his friends (ages +20) are much more likely to answer a text message than they are to answer a phone call or a voice mail. I’m not sure why that is, but I learned to text and taught many of my friends and colleagues to do so. We use email, IM and Twitter so that we can stay in touch with each other and our kids. The novelty and convenience of it all has made it fun. We’re all so busy (my son doesn’t even live at home anymore) and it’s so hard to match up our calendars or get together because of work, meetings, soccer practice, workouts, classes, family events, etc. At least with the help of the newer technologies I can leave a message or have a quasi-conversation on the run. I have even found myself angry at those people in my life who refuse to get voice mail, a cell phone, text messaging, or email. Why must they make themselves so hard to reach?! Why must they be so prehistoric?! Sure, I’ll write a thank you note when appropriate or even a letter to my grandmother who cannot hear, but everyday hopes, fears, plans, and celebrations happen all too frequently over some electronic device. The other day by text my son told me he’s joining the Navy as though it was nothing exciting at all. And I’ve been proud of myself for being so trendy, modern, and efficient.

Now I can see that something’s gone seriously out of whack. The Totally Wired post brought it back to my attention. When I step back to take a hard look at my attitudes I feel quite humbled. I’ve had at least one friendship topple because of lack of face-to-face contact, even though the “virtual” relationship seemed to be going and growing well. I’ve missed opportunities to know who my boss really is and what he really wants. I’ve assumed an opposite tone than my significant other intended because the words came across as flat and dull on a monitor or cell phone. I’ve lost the meaning and the main idea. Miscommunication and misunderstanding have built up until eventually the frustration and confusion of it tempted me to give up certain relationships altogether. I’m now convinced that if I had made the time to be together in real life for half an hour on a more regular basis, things wouldn’t have gotten so mixed up. Oh yes, I talk way too much, both live and via electronic media. But do I say what’s most important?

Of course all types of relationships take work; text messaging and email didn’t increase or decrease that reality. But I get a sinking feeling that I have used my busy-ness and my so-called “connectedness” as excuses to avoid some of the more awkward, painful, or uncomfortable conversations I’ve needed to have. And as Ms. Goodstein mentioned above, the study seems to say that each avoidance makes the next confrontation just that much harder to face like a mature, healthy, verbally and emotionally proficient adult. I tend to agree — I believe I am a slightly smaller person than I was before I got in the habit of mostly texting to my screen instead of talking to my people. (Isn’t it a blessing that I’ve never had the option to hide behind my PocketPC phone when I’m teaching my middle schoolers?)

How many of you feel diminished likewise? Why, even now, knowing what we know, is it so hard to surmount the legitimate obstacles of prior commitments, job obligations, lack of time, etc., not to mention the despicable trio of fear, indecision, and laziness to make sure in-person visits happen and happen often? Now, I don’t plan to give up digital conversations anytime soon, but I do think I’d better get my priorities in order and recommit myself to clear, proximal communication, direct eye contact, true body language, and the pleasures of being face to face within the sound of my loved ones’ voices.

Do you see any of these trends in your life? Your friendships? Your students’ lives? Your work? Do you agree with the Harvard study results? Why or why not? Do you think our grandparents were pondering these lessons when the land-line telephone became an ubiquitous item? What will be the legacy of digital communication? Please share.