Pimp Me Out!!

Being that I work in a place that the ad world absolutely covets -- I mean my campus is Madison Avenue's dream turf, right? -- and I am in a place that most definitely needs an influx of cash, well, why not take advantage of my own unique ability to reach young consumers.

That's right... PIMP ME OUT!!!

I am talking about full frontal teacher marketing here. Really, why not turn me into an English teacher that looks like a NASCAR driver?

I could sport the Pepsi logo, put Nike posters up all over the front of my class, and encourage kids to buy Wrangler jeans as opposed to Levi Strauss... from WalMart!

Matter of fact, I could even sell product placement in my lesson plans. Like I could pause while teaching Huck Finn and talk about how Tide detergent would really help get Jim's clothes sparkly clean before his next jaunt down the river. Or maybe I could do a compare and contrast essay between Verizon and Sprint to help illuminate the benefits of joining America's largest network.

Heck, I could design lesson plans that culminate in purchases. Like I know it was a well written composition but unfortunately, you did not print it on Mead paper so the highest score you could get was a B.

Sure, some teachers have already taken to selling ad space on their tests to help offset the costs of school, but I am talking about taking it to a whole new level.

Our students are victims waiting to be exploited. Really, am I the only one ready to recognize this?

And being that merit pay is coming, why not tie my salary to my ability to whore myself out as well? I mean, forget bubble tests... measuring me by ability to convert naifs into blindly loyal consumers seems much more logical and quantifiable anyway. Besides, ain't that what America is all about anyway nowadays? The more rapacious I can make our kids the better it will be for the long term health of big business, right?

And for those who refuse to mandate that 5 paragraphs essays are first outlined with Bic pens and then typed on Dell computers only to later be printed on HP laserjets, I say, think about the kids, baybee.

Think about the kids.