Dealing with that Problem Parent

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Permalink Reply by suehellman on January 19, 2010 at 9:10am

Jessica -- I have had that happen, and I hope you have a sympathetic administrator or department head you can depend on for support. You can try these approaches:

~document everything that happens when you are talking 1-to-1. Your recall may not be as sharp as you need it to be at a subsequent meeting because you have many students, but their recall will be crystal clear and you want a record of what was said. Keep detailed private notes (not on the computer at school, by hand). Refresh your memory before any meetings.

~avoid being dragged into long bullying discussions on the phone. As soon as you feel that the conversation is no longer constructive, you need to say something like: I think this conversation is too important to have on the phone. I think we should meet and I'll ask ____ (x administrator)____ to sit in so you feel your concerns are really being heard. )Be sure x is on board ahead of time and has agreed to help you out in that way when the need arises.)

~don't take meetings alone, but be sure you let the parent know who else will be attending (see above) so they don't feel ganged up on.

~if you feel the parent needs to vent a little on the phone, sometimes just listening and reflecting back what they say will help. It's OK to do this and then say: "You've given me a lot to think about. I need time now to formulate a plan. Let's meet with (___xadmin___) to collaborate on a plan to meet your child's needs and your concerns." Don't get trapped into coming up with ideas or solutions until you've had a little time to reflect. Do get back to the parent within 24 hours. Let then know when to expect your return phone call.

~Finally, I always started these phone conversations and meetings with something that will disarm the parent: "I'm so glad you called. I'm always interested in getting feedback from my students' parents and not everyone takes the time to get hold of me in person." Continue right away (before they can talk) with something positive about what their kid has been doing recently. That will take them by surprise and break the pattern of tirade a little. Then you can invite them to tell you what prompted them to call, follow right away by saying how grateful you arethye made you aware of that concern. If the conversation stays positive and constructive, let it continue. If not, see the first suggestion above.

Never talk about this kind of parent in a derogatory fashion with any another colleague. It's OK to sound co-teachers out on what kind of contact they've had with that parent or how the child did in their class. If asked why, just say that you're looking for some guidance about what worked for them. Don't get drawn into off-handed remarks about either the kid or the parent. Teachers are well meaning but not always discreet, and that kind of interchange has a way of getting back to the parent.

Read the student file and make notes so you are absolutely clear about the students' educational background.

That's my best advice. Your administrator, the school counsellor, a district helping teacher, or a department head can be of real help here. Remember: document, document, document.

-SueH

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Permalink Reply by Jessica Eitzen on January 19, 2010 at 9:18am

Thanks. That's really helpful. The one I'm battling the most is the sweetest person to your face but will wait until a couple of days later to e-mail me with her concerns, usually laced with passive-aggressive comments, comments that other parents are saying the same thing, and non-threat "threats" like, "I'd seriously hate for ______ to happen." She always mentions talking to the principal and the teachers of her school who were "horrified" with what I've been doing too.

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Permalink Reply by suehellman on January 21, 2010 at 12:14pm

If your admin is supportive of your work, I'd take the concerns (privately) to him/her. I'd want to know if grumblings have reached the school counsellors' or admin's ears and if (a) if this parent has a history of that kind of veiled threats or (b) if this is a normally reasonable, happy parent for whom this behaviour is unusual.

If(a) I would pre-empt the threat by letting her know that you feel her concerns are important enough for you to arrange for a meeting with the admin. Take the tactic that you want her to have an opportunity to air these issues. Prompt the admin ahead of time to run the meeting. Do not be pressured into responding or being put on the defensive. Reflect back what she's saying so she knows she's been heard and then say you need time to think about it all, come up with some possible plans, and set a date for a follow-up meeting with admin.

If (b) that's really different. Sometimes great parents become very concerned about something that to them is a very real problem. This is often caused by the child talking home stories (true in their minds, possible skewed but maybe just partially remembered) about what the class is like management-wise or say if a large portion of the class failed a test or isn't getting a particular skill. We don't think kids talk to their parents, but they do. Then the parent naturally asks what happened the next day and the next and then talks to other parents about what's going on and suddenly you're in the middle of a maelstrom with a parent group who is getting a little pumped up on its own power. This can be really scary, because the kids may have told partial truths, and it's very hard to correct the misconceptions. You always end up on the defensive.

First, you need to get that parent into a meeting with a supportive school counsellor (not admin this time) to gently tease out when their worries began (with their child specifically), what set them off , and what is exacerbating their worries. If they go to the "other parents and other kids" zone, you gently say that this meeting must remain focused on their child because you cannot ethically discuss the experiences of any other parents or children, and you want to ensure their child has the best learning experience in your class that you can provide.

Then you move into developing a partnership with that parent to try to ensure that happens. You find out what the parent thinks the child needs from you and you say what you need from the parent (and the child) to make that happen. You work out 1 or 2 manageable & doable short term goals (2 - 3 weeks at most & things you can really deliver that will have impact) to begin. You build into the plan daily communication so you'll get the feedback you need to make adjustments and so the parent can talk to the child about the plan (rather than about all the old stuff) and take an active role in helping the child control him/herself better or get help with homework or skills development or to study for the test -- whatever's needed.

This can also help stem the flow of negative, alarmist talk from the child because you are in daily contact and you're just talking about what the kid did that helped move towards the goal and also how to work on what he did that adversely affected progress towards the goal that day. This is all constructive feedback going both ways and is intended to problem- solve. You can actively solicit advice about how to handle this kid from the parent and work from the same page so the kid can no longer pit you against each other because you're the 2 adults working as a team for his/her benefit.

If things go better, that is the signal that this plan and approach are effective, so you don't relax back into less communication. It's far too early for that. Hold a follow-up meeting with the counsellor again to celebrate any gains and move to another 2-3 week plan with daily feedback, and then after that goal has been met, figure out how much communication and planning is needed for 'maintenance' (and we all know that it's harder to keep the weight off than to lose a few pounds --lol). Lack of attention on your part may end up with the situation reverting to the old pattern because it was far better established. The new one is much more fragile.

This process is very intensive and takes a lot of work from you. But eventually the word will go around that you are forging partnerships with parents to make school a better place for their kids. If this is a normally well-adjusted parent who's acting out of character, this issue needs to be listened to and absorbed (which can be hard on one's self-esteem because seeing one's less-than-best self always is). But there is great potential for becoming a lot more people smart and for learning how to partner with parents early to work on issues before they get bad. I've found that parents like this kind of involvement because it is constructive and pro-active.

Good luck, Jessica.

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Permalink Reply by Bernadette Roche on January 19, 2010 at 12:02pm

As already mentioned, be sure to include administration. If you choose to respond to the parent email, my suggestion is to blind copy admin on your responses.

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Permalink Reply by suehellman on January 21, 2010 at 12:24pm

Great advice to us all!

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Permalink Reply by Chris on January 21, 2010 at 1:50pm

Why blind copy the administration? I say put the admin right in the "To:" field. The parent should know that the there are others who are witnessing their stupidity.

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Permalink Reply by Debra on January 21, 2010 at 3:26pm

This is excellent advice, I agree with all of it, especially the documentation of every conversation. It sounds to me like this person/people are wary about your being a new teacher and are trying to exert their power over you to get you to do what they want. My sister was having the same problem with passive/agressive parents jsut like these you describe and she was not a new teacher, just new to the school. She kept her principal informed all the way and the principal helped her address the issues the parents were having.

I know it's easier said than done, but don't let yourself be pushed around, you know what you're doing, stand behind it and be sure the admin stands behind you as well.

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Permalink Reply by Brian on January 22, 2010 at 10:21am

I'm reminded of the time, when I was a classroom teacher, when a parent said, "I'll believe my kid over you anytime." I found out that she was like this to all the previous teachers. I discovered that when I gave the child some leadership roles (i.e. ____: you're so good at repairing computers, I was wondering if you could help Mrs. X across the hall? Once you complete the work and it looks good, she needs you to assist." I never heard from the parent again!

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